Slow down if you want to be a Better Dad
Posted on October 3, 2008
Filed Under better dads, role-model, values | Leave a Comment
The pace of our lives today seem to be embodied in the words *instant*, *fast*, *express*. Weird as it seems, a big part of this phenomena has been perpetuated by technology and especially the Internet (don’t get me wrong I use and I like the Internet). More than ever, we want everything NOW. We are always in a rush.
Just look around us.
We are used to and expect Fast Food of every taste, shape and kind. We have Instant Noodles, Instant Coffee/Tea, all forms of Instant Recipe. Many of us do not have time for proper lunches and we rush through our meals. Bet you the cows are laughing at us as they chew leisurely on their delicious grass without a care in the world.
We communicate via Instant Messaging cos e-mail is just not fast and responsive enough. The unfortunate ones amongst us are arm-twisted by our companies to carry BlackBerry devices so that we can virtually be Always contacted and working. Have you been asked by a colleague at work why you had not replied to an e-mail that he/she sent 5 minutes ago?
We have fast lanes on our roads, express checkouts in supermarkets, 5-minute haircut (maybe it was 3?). OK a bit of exaggeration here. Many of our teenagers drive at such reckless speeds without caring 2 hoots about endangering the lives of others. Society shouts : Slow = Weak.
If you are like me, you would be constantly and daily rushing from one place to another and there never seems to be enough time for anything. I get so wound up for prolonged periods that the first 3 days of every vacation would be spent trying to get the “busy-ness” out of my mind. I am sure you have secretly wished at times for a 30-hour day!
Guess which values get thrown out of the window as a result of all these?
Patience, compassion and self-control.
Has the world become a far better place because of our ultra fast-paced society? I doubt so. Sure, our ‘fast-ness’ has brought about tremendous benefits but I think it has also become far more unforgiving, selfish and intolerant.
If J is constantly seeing her dad getting irritated easily , wanting instant gratification all the time, getting impatient with those who are in any aspects slower, what chance have I got to be a positive and good role model? Zilch.
I need to slow down. I want to be a better dad. What about you?
Becoming a first-time dad | Start Preparing *Now*
Posted on October 1, 2008
Filed Under better dads, better husbands, first-time dad | 1 Comment
The most life-altering experience that any man can have must surely be the moment he becomes a first time dad. 
I can still recall what it was like being a first-time father, getting the baby bag packed and ready for rushing to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Anxiety pangs about whether it would be a smooth, safe and healthy delivery plagued me constantly. On the other hand I day-dreamed about what the little one would look like, spending hours pouring through names, making the little ‘nest’ ready at home.
BTW, the ‘nest’ thing is interesting as one of my first dates with my then girlfriend (wife now) was to watch an omni-theatre (3-D) documentary on the life of 2 young beavers setting up their new home and preparing for their new brood. How romantic!
So when does one start preparing to be a first-time dad? On hind-sight, there was a lot more that I could have done, if only I had taken the time and interest to read and learn from others and given myself sufficient mental preparation.
So what are some of the things that you can do to prepare for the arrival of your little one? Here are some suggestions (you make your own additions):
- Join an antenatal class and most hospitals should have their recommendations. The tips and lessons you get are tremendous. You get to know about breathing techniques (for your wife, not you), what to expect on delivery day, pain control options (again for your wife, not you), how to properly bathe a new-born, how to change nappies, etc
- Be very supportive of your wife. Hey it is her first time too. Imagine for a moment that you are the one carrying the baby and seeing your body change for 9 months! I don’t know about you, but I would probably freak out. Don’t forget to talk. A little cuddle, some tender-loving care, lots of reassurances (especially of the way she looks and the fear of not regaining her figure) …
- Plan your time. This is actually the simplest of all but easily forgotten. Make sure that you arrange for sufficient time off to be around for at least the first week of baby coming home. Your wife is going to need all the help she can get. Defer or postpone all non-emergency appointments at work ahead of time and prep your boss that you are not going to be around for a while, especially not during delivery-date.
- Mentally prepare to help out in the night shift. This is especially important if you are the type that sleeps like a log, which is probably 80% of us men. Our better half would have been exhausted by the time the day ends. If not every day, at least 3 out of 7 days? Notice I said mentally prepare? It is probably all in our minds. Some training required here.
- Make lasting memories. One of the things I have regretted is not having the discipline to take enough photographs to chronicle the growth and changes of J. If you have a video-cam, that is even better. You never know, one of these days, a playback of a video clip or browsing through photographs can carry you through some hard knocks in life. It does remind you of what is really important in life.
These are my man-in-the-street thoughts on preparations to be a first-time dad. Being a better dad will always require effort. Needless to say, being a first-time dad would demand even more of you. It would be worth the while though. Whilst the effort is immense but so are the rewards. Have fun and remember to enjoy the journey.
3 lessons Dads can teach their kids from Wall.E
Posted on September 29, 2008
Filed Under better dads, teaching, role-model, values | Leave a Comment
I have just watched Wall.E with J and you probably know as well as I do, that it is rare to find a good movie with great values these days. We all know how hard it can be at times to convey big concepts to little minds and whenever we find something that captures the imagination of our children, we should use it to the fullest as a teaching aids. I guess the folks at Disney and Pixar have created a worthwhile film full of positive subtle messages for children and adults alike.
I am going to list 3 quick lessons that I have learnt from the film and you go make your own judgments. (I gotta admit I may be over-stretching things a wee bit) However, if you think this will in some way jeopardize your fun of watching the film for yourself, feel free to stop reading now.
1. Excessive love of ease can produce dire consequences
Imagine a world where humans did not have to work or lift a finger to do anything at all, so conditioned by years of laziness and non-movement that we are reduced to mere liquid food-gulping blobs. Cool? I think not. We are made for work and we need to teach our kids from a young age to respect the need to work hard for our needs. Unless one is incapable of working due to being physically challenged, one should work to support himself and our dependents. Let the kids start to understand this from school and I believe it will go a long way to form healthy foundational attitudes towards hard work.
2. Life has meaning ONLY when we begin to focus on relationships
I love the way that the animation guys and gals have set up the opening minutes showing how mundane Wall.E’s life was. Yes I know, I know, can’t use the word life cause he (it?) is technically a robot. You get the drift. All Wall.E knew was to spend the better part of daylight crushing wastes into junk cubes. He knew nothing outside of work. Sounds familiar, all we busy dads? All that changed when Wall.E the mobile trash compactor found EVE the vegetation evaluator. Our children need to know the value of relationships far above all material achievements. And they learn that from us by experience and imitation.
3. Don’t just sit around when there is a problem
There was a problem in the bridge and the captain was too weak to do anything. One of the most memorable lines from the film was when the captain proclaimed ‘We just sit around, that’s what we do all the time’. A very important mind set that we can inculcate in our young ones is the courage to face problems and look for a solutions on their own. We cannot and should not solve every single issue and setback for them. Their spirit and mental strength needs exercising every now and then. There will come a time when they will have to be on their own. Better to prepare them now.
Alright then. Go enjoy the film with your kids and tell me what you think. I would love to hear your comments.
Build Lasting Memories With Your Kids
Posted on August 30, 2008
Filed Under role-model | Leave a Comment
It will be Father’s Day in Australia in another week (First Sunday of September to be exact) and like many parts of the world, families, children usually with a little prompting from mom would make it a point to celebrate the occasion for dad. It is in some sense a way for the family to say “Thank you dad!” and to remember the many great memories shared as a family. Children have a knack of remembering things and they sure have way better memory than us. But sort of memories are you and I leaving behind? 10 years from now, is there anything worth remembering about you and I as a father?
I for one cannot really recall much of my dad, except that he gave us food and shelter. From childhood to adulthood, I could easily count with my ten fingers the number of times that I had the opportunity to spend more than an hour’s time with him. He was never around. I never had a man to look up to as I transitioned through my teen-age years into a young adult. I never had someone who could advise me on issues about life, about values, about aspirations, about career choices. In short, I cannot remember anything worth remembering about my dad. He felt somewhat like a stranger most times to me. It is sad, but true.
The world we live in exerts a ridiculous amount of pressure on us to make a living. For some, it will be more of a career goal that dictates much of our lives. I just patted J to sleep before writing this post and it is still something I enjoy doing even though she is already 12. As I sense her drifting into deep sleep, I just wondered ‘Have I been a better dad than my father?’. Have I avoided the traps of being an ‘unavailable’ dad?
Here are 4 questions worth asking yourself
- When was the last most enjoyable family trip in your child’s eyes?
- When was the last time the whole family had a good laugh over something silly?
- When was the last time you surprised your child with something that would make him or her really proud of having you as a dad?
- When was the last time you participated in your child’s life in school, play and home?
To all dads in Australia, Happy Father’s Day!
Help! My daughter is growing up too fast.
Posted on August 28, 2008
Filed Under better dads, growing up | 4 Comments
I sometimes close my eyes and recall what it was like catching the first glimpse of J the very moment she was born.
That little baby and the whole bundle of excitement culminating in that feeling of “This is it!”. It still felt as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. I remember when my mum came to the hospital and visited J, she had that baffled look in her face and asked quite sheepishly, “You sure you got the right baby? She is not very pretty you know”. I was sure not too happy with that question, but hey, she is my mother. Truth be told, I didn’t actually really care what other people thought, no, not even my mother. In my eyes, J was as pretty as any baby could be and I was really proud of her. I became quite a well known figure in the intensive care unit amongst the nurses as I was in and out of it every other few hours just to catch a sight of my little girl.
12 years on, J is on the verge of becoming a teenager. No more milk bottles to grapple with, no more diapers to change, no more sleep disruption and struggling with opening and closing of prams. They are all a thing of a past. Instead, I have need to learn new skills to interact and connect with a young lady. More than ever, I need to learn how to be a better father, to teach, to nurture and to encourage her to be the best that she can be.
J is now almost reaching my shoulder in terms of height. When I watch her skating on the ice-rink, watching her smiles and giggles, I know my little baby is growing up faster than I would have wanted. I wish I had treasured the last 12 years a whole lot more than I did. I wish I had done a lot more things better and avoided some of the big mistakes made. I wish I had given more attention, care and affection to J. However hard I wish, I can can not change a single iota. All is etched permanently in the great big nebulous concept known as memory.
I can, however, try to change today and the things I choose to do. I can learn to treasure tomorrow and every other day that God gives me to continue my privilege of being a father. I need to stop thinking that there is always tomorrow to do or say something worthwhile to J. I need to do all I can while it is called today.
I know there will be fathers out there who can echo my thoughts on how fast our children seem to be growing up. I cannot know for a certainty what tomorrow may bring. But one thing I know, J will always be my precious little baby, and I am thankful for that. Make today count.
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