Is there a dad out there who hates his day job?
I hesitated for days before I plucked up the courage to write this post on a topic that touches me in a deep way. Just in case the title is still not crystal clear, yes I struggle big time with my day job. And I hope that this would encourage another dad out there facing something similar to know that you are not alone.
What exactly do I hate about my day job?
First of all, let me say that it is not because of long hours. In the all the years that I have been working, it has never been hard work or long hours that got me down. I spend much time thinking about it, and I have worked out a list of 5 possible problems with why I am feeling this way. Just to put things in context, I am a software project manager.
Problem 1 – Mismatch of Abilities
A good project manager should be one who inspires his team, a great communicator, a detailed planner, has an innate ability to push through an agenda, able to think outside the box and has great people skills. A project manager needs to take a very structured and disciplined approach towards all that he or she does. I have none of that, or at best, very little. I am simply not convinced that I have what it takes to do well in this area. There is always this nagging thought that someone better should be doing my job. I would say I took this path by natural progression in my industry.
Problem 2 – Mismatch of Interests
Much of a project manager’s life is about relationships and people, managing expectations, motivations and getting the best output from the team. I am not that sort of person and it does not interest me at all. More often than not, dealing with difficult people drains a tremendous amount of energy out of me. And trust me, there is no shortage of such difficult people around. I know of people who relish such a role, but unfortunately, that person is NOT me.
Problem 3 – The Sandwich Syndrome
I often feel sandwiched between groups of people. Either between senior management and my team or between user groups. The sense of feeling trapped is horrible and the fact that the project manager is ultimately responsible for any failures does not help at all. Related to problem 2, being in a middleman position is something I absolutely detest.
Problem 4 – Office Politics
Yes the usual stuff, does not need much explanation. Whilst I recognize that office politics exist in every corporation, I think my being in a relative large company and the role I am playing requires me to deal with a lot more of this than I would have liked. I try to avoid where possible, but not always successful.
Problem 5 – I have problems letting go
Probably the biggest issues of all. This is something I struggle with big time. I wish I would just let things go once I leave the office, but I can’t. Issues play on in my mind and there are nights where I can’t even fall asleep properly. I feel the pressure of responsibilities constantly on my shoulders and it weighs me down and eats into my family life.
So what are my plans? think I need a change of job.
I remember being a lot happier and motivated when I was a programmer. I can still remember the joy of solving little problems and making software that works without the weight of responsibilities. I think I may need to make my way towards that path again. I just grit my teeth and endure each day at the moment, motivated only by the thoughts of being a breadwinner for the family. But I think it has reached a stage where it is affecting my health (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) and the joy of family life. It is a conscious choice that I may have to make.
Perhaps one day I will become a programmer again. Earning much less, but being a lot happier as a person. I also hope to start a little Internet business on the side, something that has intrigued me for quite a while.
This is the story of my work life for now. It is tough, but I am still thankful to God for a job as well as an understanding wife.