Attitudes to failure
Posted on December 26, 2008
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Many of us do not dare try something different or something out of the ordinary simply because of the fear of failing. I know I have had countless experiences that later in life I would slap myself for not daring to try. I was sent a video today which encapsulated the need for us to persevere and to approach apparent failures as simply not having succeeded yet!
I hope you would enjoy this video too and I hope that every dad will be encouraged to accept his own failures and move on. Teach our children that there should not be a stigma on failures and that every encounter is an opportunity to make ourselves a better person.
The next time you feel nervous about taking the road less travelled, think of those who have gone before and have succeeded through perseverance.
Have a fruitful 2009.
A dad’s relationship with his daughter
Posted on December 9, 2008
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Someone once told me that women unknowingly look for potential husbands in men who possess certain characteristics of their fathers, especially fathers whom they relate well to, love and respect. To put it plainly, fathers give their daughter a baseline reference of what is possible in a relationship with a man.
Hey dads, where will our daughters get the correct ‘concept’ of what a true man should be as they grow up through their teenage years into a young lady? It is sad that our media portrays a very warped view of manliness today, focusing largely on their possession of power, wealth and killer looks. One of the first books that I read whilst I was courting was titled "Man of velvet and steel". It portrays a true man as one who is firm but not over-domineering and gentle but not wishy washy. I must say I have not even attained 10% of what’s been described, but I do hope J will see shades and hues of those virtues.
Now back to the question. How should I relate to my daughter? These are some of my thoughts
Demonstrate a willingness to stick to principles
I would like J to know that there are some things that should not be compromised - honesty, compassion, treating others with respect, self-control, etc. I have to be careful that I do not inadvertently erode her sense of right and wrong. Yes I am talking about the horrifying "If dad and mum can do it, why can’t I?".
I think it is especially important for us to learn to keep our promises that we make to our daughters. There are still men that can be trusted. Let them know that there are men who will go to great lengths to fulfil something that has been vowed or promised. Do not ever compromise here!
Demonstrate the right attitudes towards her mom
My daughter needs to know that dad loves mom and will continue to honor and protect her, and indeed till death the two shall part.
Dad may not be perfect and will time and again make mistakes, some big, some small. Dad will occasionally display his quirks and weird behavior. Nevertheless, dad’s attitudes and mindset should make her feel safe within the harbor of a constant, clear loving relationship.
Demonstrate respect for her as a young lady
Dads, listen up. Your influence on the emotional and mental well-being of your daughter is greater than you imagine. Learn to relate to her as a very special young lady who can always confide in you. Understand that she probably will undergo a tremendous amount of change transitioning from a little girl to a young lady. Be sensitive about shyness and learn to forego, especially in the realm of being physically affectionate.
Fathers are not always right
Dads do not have all the answers. Learn to listen. Learn to assess the situation and learn to empathize with what they are going through. Hey our daughters have struggles too! They go through the same "trying to be accepted thing" amongst their peers. The least you can do is to understand why they are doing something, saying something or thinking a certain way. The environment I grew up in was probably a lot less complex than what J goes through today. If I am indeed wrong, then I must be prepared to say that I am sorry. By all means be firm, but please, do not be unreasonable.
Learn our daughter’s lingo
I believe in the power of language to bridge gaps between people and bring them closer. Do we realize that there are some very interesting lingo that’s standard in teenage land today? Learn what they are exposed to with modern technology. MSN, Facebook, blogs, emoticons, music, etc. Are you left behind? This is the new communications media. Learn it. Use it. Communicate with it. If I have to keep up with technology, so be it.
Be a ready mentor.
I really want J to be comfortable coming to me for advice. I want to be there for her when she goes through the perplexities of teenage years. I want her to come to me for anything on her mind rather than look for answers from her peers. I think that trust has to be built over time. Start now. It is not too late. Always make time for a question. Always be available.
Learn to let go, with trust
There comes a time when the father’s duty ends and he is ready to let his little girl venture out on her own. But before that happens, we have to gradually learn to give her "space". I have to remind myself that she will start finding bonds within her circle of friends and may actually look forward to spending time with them rather than with me. If and when that happens, I need to be gracious and understanding. I need to learn to let go. It is perhaps at this point that many good and dedicated fathers fail. Guide them, but learn to trust them to be on their own.
These are my thoughts as I think about J again this evening. I hope it has been useful for you, whoever you are who chances upon this article. I wish someone had taught me before.
The value of thrift
Posted on December 1, 2008
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I am very thankful J has been quite a thrifty girl. I think my wife has done a commendable job teaching and influencing her!
I have never had to grapple or struggle with ‘buy me this, daddy’ type of requests from my daughter and really that is such a great blessing. I am heartened to know that she understands we are not well to do and have to be more careful with the way we spend money.
I remember fondly when she first went to school, she had a significant number of friends from well-to-do families. One day she came back telling us that one of her classmates was given twenty dollars a day for pocket money. In her own innocent way, she told her friend that she gets a dollar a day and that is more than enough. Unexpectedly, her friend actually asked her mum to give her a dollar for school instead! We had a good laugh over it.
I think many children grow up comparing their possessions and that of their parents at a very early age. I am no expert in child psychology, but I think there could be a pretty negative influence on their character. How much is enough? Do our children even understand what it means by enough?
I want to continue to help J understand that it is alright not to have something if you cannot afford it. Work hard and learn to save. Learn to be contented and live within your means.
I was shocked when it was revealed in one of the current affairs programs aired in Melbourne that many in their twenties do not understand the concept of thrift and savings. They spend using credit card like there is no tomorrow, racking up massive debts. When asked why didn’t they try to be more prudent, their reply was simply that they were never taught to save! It was someone else’s fault.
I think this is a life skill that schools should be teaching. But more so, I think all dads and mums have the responsibility to teach their children thrift.
Do you agree?
Is there a dad out there who hates his day job?
Posted on November 22, 2008
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I hesitated for days before I plucked up the courage to write this post on a topic that touches me in a deep way. Just in case the title is still not crystal clear, yes I struggle big time with my day job. And I hope that this would encourage another dad out there facing something similar to know that you are not alone.
What exactly do I hate about my day job?
First of all, let me say that it is not because of long hours. In the all the years that I have been working, it has never been hard work or long hours that got me down. I spend much time thinking about it, and I have worked out a list of 5 possible problems with why I am feeling this way. Just to put things in context, I am a software project manager.
Problem 1 - Mismatch of Abilities
A good project manager should be one who inspires his team, a great communicator, a detailed planner, has an innate ability to push through an agenda, able to think outside the box and has great people skills. A project manager needs to take a very structured and disciplined approach towards all that he or she does. I have none of that, or at best, very little. I am simply not convinced that I have what it takes to do well in this area. There is always this nagging thought that someone better should be doing my job. I would say I took this path by natural progression in my industry.
Problem 2 - Mismatch of Interests
Much of a project manager’s life is about relationships and people, managing expectations, motivations and getting the best output from the team. I am not that sort of person and it does not interest me at all. More often than not, dealing with difficult people drains a tremendous amount of energy out of me. And trust me, there is no shortage of such difficult people around. I know of people who relish such a role, but unfortunately, that person is NOT me.
Problem 3 - The Sandwich Syndrome
I often feel sandwiched between groups of people. Either between senior management and my team or between user groups. The sense of feeling trapped is horrible and the fact that the project manager is ultimately responsible for any failures does not help at all. Related to problem 2, being in a middleman position is something I absolutely detest.
Problem 4 - Office Politics
Yes the usual stuff, does not need much explanation. Whilst I recognize that office politics exist in every corporation, I think my being in a relative large company and the role I am playing requires me to deal with a lot more of this than I would have liked. I try to avoid where possible, but not always successful.
Problem 5 - I have problems letting go
Probably the biggest issues of all. This is something I struggle with big time. I wish I would just let things go once I leave the office, but I can’t. Issues play on in my mind and there are nights where I can’t even fall asleep properly. I feel the pressure of responsibilities constantly on my shoulders and it weighs me down and eats into my family life.
So what are my plans? think I need a change of job.
I remember being a lot happier and motivated when I was a programmer. I can still remember the joy of solving little problems and making software that works without the weight of responsibilities. I think I may need to make my way towards that path again. I just grit my teeth and endure each day at the moment, motivated only by the thoughts of being a breadwinner for the family. But I think it has reached a stage where it is affecting my health (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) and the joy of family life. It is a conscious choice that I may have to make.
Perhaps one day I will become a programmer again. Earning much less, but being a lot happier as a person. I also hope to start a little Internet business on the side, something that has intrigued me for quite a while.
This is the story of my work life for now. It is tough, but I am still thankful to God for a job as well as an understanding wife.
Are you a hero, dad?
Posted on November 11, 2008
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Have you ever wondered why there are so many comic book characters about heroes and their colossal battle against evil? Probably every culture has a tale or 2 of great men (and women, but since we are a site about dads …) who did great things for the good of the common people. People hunger in general for greatness and for one who will champion their cause, and make right what is perceived as wrong. Want prove? Just look at Barack Obama and the way he won the US elections!
Most dads I know can’t scale walls like Spiderman or possess world-rescuing skills like Superman. None have even a fraction of the telepathic genius of Professor Xavier. Yet I believe we have in each one of us the capacity to do good for our children and our family and be the hero of the home. It is in the mundane moments of each day that each dad can put a drop of fragrance into the bottle of family goodness.
I know many dads hate their day jobs! Yet I know many still grit their teeth and persevere on, motivated by the thought of providing for loved ones. I have seen dads taking on extra work in order to fulfill the dreams and aspirations of a son or daughter. I know of dads who changed their lifestyle to be good role models for their kids, not an easy thing to do.
(I am the cockroach exterminator of the home, by the way. When J was much younger, I use to wow her with my fearlessness in dealing with those insects!)
A little word of encouragement dished out, a genuine concern shown, a willingness to shoulder responsibility, an element of humility to admit that we can be wrong, a spirit of self-sacrifice. Let’s bring these ingredients back into our fatherhood. Our homes need a local hero.
Admittedly, there are no evil characters to exterminate on the home-front. But can you be a hero, dad? Yes you can!
— keep looking »